the edge of reason...

yes. i'm still alive. yes. i'm still trying my hardest not to depress everyone, including myself. i've actually been working very hard at that last part. i've been filling my days with camping, hiking, biking and running. i'm going with this theory: "excercise gives you endorphins. endorphins make you happy. happy people don't just shoot their husbands (or boyfriends, or bosses, or random stupid people on the street). they just don't!" ~of course it's legally blonde, duh! i'm also counteracting all of that exercise with the pasta i'm having for lunch right now and the red wine i've drank three nights this week. oh well!

now on one hand, i'm very proud of myself. i'm especially happy about the camping and hiking i've been doing. i can now officially put up a tent, start a fire, cook food over the fire, settle in for some campfire tv, which has become my favorite show as of late, and get myself to sleep in the tent alone! (that may sound silly, but how many of you would be willing to sleep in a tent by yourself? in the middle of the woods...with bears...and mountain lions? see!) it's the beautiful views, peacefulness and adventure that i've been missing in my colorado summers. these are the things i've wanted to do for so long, but never did because i felt like i didn't have anyone to do them with. (not that i didn't have friends, i did. we just spent our time in other ways. that and we didn't have our own gear and were scaredy cats!) i'm now trying to take advantage of every opportunity that is presented while it's still here to take. when those opportunities aren't presented, i have been trying to create them for myself. my time here is limited and i really want to get out there and take it all in before i leave this beautiful place. not to mention, it's about time i take some action on the things i say i want to do.

each year, for several years now, i make a mental list of things i want to do. at the top is always getting skinny. unfortuantely, i'm no longer sure if it will ever happen again. along with that goal this year, i wanted to improve my snowboarding, run a half marathon, climb a fourteener, learn to cook aaaaaand...do more camping and hiking, just taking better advantage of the things the rockies have to offer. camping-check. hiking-check. cooking-half check. i have made vast improvements, but my menu is still pretty limited. a fourteener is still a possiblity. (and for anyone who may be wondering, a fourteener is a mtn with a peak altitude above 14,000 ft.) a half marathon is probably ruled out for this year, but running helps, right? and snowboarding gets a quarter check, if that. i made some small improvements, but i would've gotten so much better had i put more time into it. anyway, i have, perhaps unconciously, started to whittle away at my list.

now on to the other hand...

my recent endeavors can be mainly contributed to the fact that i am trying to keep my mind off of things. namely, relationships. realtionships of all kinds, not just the romantic ones. relationships and the usual string of bad luck that tends to follow me. those are the things i've been trying to get away from. camping and hiking are great ways to distract yourself. however, they often allow for a lot of thinking time as well. this thinking has led me to the conclusion that doing these things just isn't enough. these great experiences WILL broaden your horizons, make incredible memories and better your life in general. however, i've realized that in order to maximize these experiences, you need to share them with someone special. i'm not saying it has to be with THE someone special. it could be a best friend too. either way, it's important to have that one person you share everything with. i suppose i have reached the point where that is most important to me and for the first time in my life, i am now without that person. maybe it's not the very first time. i suppose it's just the first time i have gone through this and not had the desire to go out and meet new people. i'm not looking for someone to replace the spot that used to be filled by someone else. i just want what i had back. i miss lorna and meghan and luke. of course i miss my closest friends from home too, but i have long since realized that i will never be their "number one" again. having them in my life is a constant. they have always been there and they will always be there. i do need them, but also need that one person. i need that one person who makes my life better on a daily basis. that one person who i can share all of my experiences with. that one person you can always count on to be there. i guess that's part of growing up and getting older. i guess losing the desire to go out and meet new people is too.

all of these experiences and all of this thinking really has me feeling like bridget jones. only i make my lists on my birthday as opposed to new years. twenty-six is coming up soon so i better get to work...